Q: My son is twelve going on twenty. He’s decided that he’s getting too old to have his mother tell him what to do. When I ask him to clean his room or take out the trash he either ignores me or gives me a lot of attitude. His Dad is out of town three weeks out of every month and I don’t know how to get him to do his chores. I can’t do everything but I hate to make him angry because then he’s even worse. What should I do?
A: Isn’t it amazing how when boys turn 12 it’s hard to even remember the sweet, good smelling children that they once were? It seems as though when the testosterone kicks in and deodorant finds a place in their daily routine, boys just need to be in charge. I find the best way for a child to learn to fulfill his responsibilities to the home is to rely on natural consequences. For instance if my son doesn’t do the dishes at night, then the next morning there isn’t any breakfast because the sink is full of dirty dishes.
It’s important to be really clear about what you expect from your son. My favorite way to work with my child in this situation is to let him/her know that I only have so much energy to deal with life and if s/he absorbs too much of my energy then I won’t have enough energy to do the things that s/he wants to do. For example you can say, “Johnny, I know that you want me to take you to meet your friends at the movies tonight. Remember I have a limited supply of energy and I used it today when you and I had that disagreement over sweeping the floor. All of my energy for doing things with you is gone. Maybe next week we can avoid draining my energy and we will look at the movies then.” Stick to your principles, be patient and before you know it he will be doing the right thing and with fewer power struggles.