My goal has always been to make home safe for my kids. I wanted their world to be as accepting as possible as my home of origin was not often emotionally safe.
This goal became even more important when my divorce created two homes for my younger kids.
I have always expected my children to be polite and kind, these are still expectations, but I had to change how I saw this played out
Things I did to make our home safe.
1. I allow the kids to fall apart when they come home. I am very careful not to make any demands on them for the first few hours, no questions, no chores, and no decisions. When they get home I want them to just step into “home”. Sometimes after they have been gone more than a few days, it may take a day or more for them to relax and be ready to come back into our world.
2. When I moved into my current home, I created it with the theme of Joy. So when the kids come home, and they feel crushed from the weight of life, I ask them what would bring them joy, sometimes it’s a cup of hot chocolate, a cuddle on the couch, a movie or a just some peace and quit. My goal is to make this home a joyful and safe place to land.
3. I work hard to not raise voices in our home, we take time outs if it get’s to challenging, and the kids have the right to ask for a time out. ( Yelling is a trigger from my childhood, yours may be different.) Although I am not perfect, I try to honor their requests. It’s amazing how a few minutes, or longer can help all of us reframe the need to argue.
