This January I am truly starting my life as a new person. Or as my old self. In December I received legal permission to change my name from Packard to Davis. Davis is my maiden name. The name I was given at birth.
When I introduce myself to people I have met in the past with my new name, Jill Davis, they often reply with “Congratulations”. Their first thought is that I have re-married. I thank them and then respond with “no marriage- I took back my real name.” Some people high-five me, some people look puzzled, not knowing what to do, but most people respond with the same “Congratulations” a second time.
For me, it truly is a celebration. For 24 plus years I devoted myself to a marriage that was destined to collapse. I allowed my spouse to absorb me, to take me into who he was, to become someone that wasn’t me. The name Jill Packard represented much that had become pretend about me. During that marriage I turned inward, pretending all was good on the outside, but inside hurting and fading away. I spent all my energy protecting my children and what was left of my authentic self. There was enough left of me to give away to others, but not enough left to continue to nurture me.
When I left that marriage I chose to keep my married name. In words it was for my kids, saying it was easier for them if we shared the same name. In reality, I was not ready to move on, to admit that really and truly all that I had fought for had no value.
After five years I realized that even in the dark days of my marriage under all my pain, hurt and fat, there was still me – excited about life, excited about the world, with a JOY that will never leave my soul. It was like an ember burning quietly waiting for me to have a place to breathe again for it to flame into life. I have found that place and it is me .I am back to life, I am back to me. And I still have all the compassion, love, gentleness and strength that was always there but just hidden away.
Changing back to Jill Davis is my way of saying to the Universe, I am here, I am still me, and I will do my very best to be the best authentic me I can find. I also grieve the passing of Jill Packard – She did some amazing things in those 24 years. I will take the best of her with me and leave the rest behind.
Here is to 2011 and the continued Journey to authentic living. What will you do this year to create a more authentic you? I’d love to hear about your Journey and share the path with you.
