Q: I am in the middle of a family “feud”. My elderly father has created an uncomfortable dynamic in the family. He calls each of us and seems to want to agitate us and create conflict between the siblings. It’s like he wants us to talk only to him and not to each other. I have to work really hard not to fall into the chaos. How do I maintain my boundaries while still maintain a relationship with everyone?
A: It sounds like you are already in a healthy place. Boundaries are everything. Make sure that your boundaries are spoken as well as acted upon. It’s not enough to just not got ta family gathering – it is more effective to let your father know the reason you have chosen not to go, by explaining that the chaos he causes is pitting you against your siblings. It is truly possible that he is not aware of the conflict he is creating.
If he is indeed a controlling person, he most likely thinks that everyone else feels the same way he does. He does not even consider that your feelings may be different. I would also encourage you to articulate your boundaries to your siblings. Let them know you will not discuss the issues created by your father with them as it only serves to create a breach in your relationship with them. By stating your boundaries vocally and then enforcing them through actions, you are well on your way to improving your ability to deal with a very difficult situation.
For more information about controlling people, check out the book Controlling People by Patty Evans. It may help you understand how he can be unaware of what he is doing.
